… If you have the strength to read through this 3am thoughts of mine …Thank you 🥺❤️🦋✨

As a child that was brought up indoors. Only went out on errands , to exercise (bicycle riding amongst others ) and to visit others occasionally.

A child that was taught friends are not really necessary in life .

Growing up , I was taught to be dependent on God and myself and nothing more has its advantages I would say …

But this is real life, can you really live life without friends?

This to this day I can’t answer ..

Do we misuse the word acquaintances , classmates, neighbor, workmates with friends?

Again I don’t know.

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I have found myself in situations where I thought, ok we are friends but it turns out we were just sharing the same situation example just living together or in the same class. And once we are not in touch, it kind of all dies off.

Is it my fault I asked myself severally?

Then I try to reach out, to visit but it’s never reciprocated or I don’t get the expected vibe and as a lazy being in this aspect of life, I just give up. I can’t come and kill myself ..

Maybe this aspect is my fault .

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Then again I ask myself what about those who are with me presently? Have I also made others feel what I just explained in the last paragraph?

Most probably yes… But what can I do ?

Put more effort my sister will say..

Sometimes human connections can be exhausting, is it the fear of rejection?

Is it the fear of vulnerability?

Or perhaps I have self programmed myself that close relationships might damage you ..

Don’t blame this school of thought. I have seen friends who gossip about each other and let me say do not necessarily “like” each other. Friends they have literally damaged and destroyed each other’s lives or one person is damaged.

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You are so secretive they say? You don’t ask Is my reply sometimes. Am I supposed to spill things just like that? I don’t know…

Had a discussion at the beginning of the month with someone close to me and it brought me back to this debate with myself..

This thing called friendship , let’s say human relations rather … Is scary.

It’s like taking care of a baby but this baby can talk.

Keeping up is hard work which I don’t mind putting in, but when not really reciprocated I retreat . Maybe I retreat to early again this I do not know .

Trying to mend fences and adjust to complains well maybe not complains just observation of friends around me is even more hard work because then maybe I try to overcompensate. And scare them away ?

This again I don’t know.

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I do not want you to think I am the victim in these circumstances. I myself do not think I am the victim, sometimes I think maybe I am the one causing the hurt , or heartbreak.

Am I the toxic one? This I also don’t know .

Maybe just maybe, In fact most probably I haven’t learnt how to connect with others as I see people do.

Because I hear people say my church friend, my school friend , my this friend and that and I am perplexed because people that know me well and I can call friends no reach 6 ..lols

If I should have a wedding today, my bridal train if it will be only sincere friends not friends of friends or relatives, will not contain up to 6 ladies if you add the male gender it still won’t make up to 6..😚

I see people visit each other, posting mushy stuffs online and I wonder hmm. Don’t get me wrong , I visit others from time to time. And peeps visit me to say hi , but the vibes I get and what I see and notice around me is different.

Are they been real I ask myself or I am not putting in enough emotions..

Another question I don’t have an answer to .

I was taught to go to school then go home.

Go to church then go home.

Focus about your business.

You don’t need to speak , or connect with anyone as this will lead to gossiping or opening your life to humans and they will destroy it … lols … but I am serious ☺️

Do what you have to do outside and go home .. You read , you sleep, you pray , you eat . Basic human stuff .

Now I think of it, I never had any of my secondary school classmates over to my house …I visited others . But I never invited anyone to my home .

and I ask myself now why ? This I am still thinking about..

Maybe people like me are conditioned to remain alone … Remember alone is not lonely .

Maybe living alone for a long time have not made it easier . Maybe yes , maybe no.

Again I ask myself why don’t you put a little more effort… , maybe I should, maybe I will..

Sometimes I ask myself, am I deficient in this aspect of life because of the way I was brought up? Again I don’t really know but I think maybe no because my sister is not like me … she is very much a super person with people. I make friends or know people through her , same way I made friends from some of my classmates through my friend here in medschool without her I would not really have friends or people to talk to … I don’t know if you get the picture at this point..

Again I ask myself is this connecting with others necessarily my thing

Because with the way I see everything around me …. It’s really not working out …

I am not saddened by this, ok maybe a tiny weeny bit , which is scary…. Yes it scares me …I am just concerned that one day I will lose touch with emotions as a whole ..

Loosing touch with emotions is a whole different rant For another sleepless night …

Well as my thoughts keep me awake till the break of dawn , i do hope I find answers to the questions in my head ✨…

Do you have tips on how to connect with humans? Comment below or send me an email .